Heartless

Call me heartless,
but I have feelings..

Call me stupid,
But I just dont understand..

Call me fucked up,
But I am just not perfect..

Call me insecure,
but Im just scared..

Call me a liar,
but Im just too scared to show my feelings..

Call me hurtful,
but I just speak the truth..

Call me worthless,
but at least Im something..

Call me heartless,
but I have emotions, just like everyone else..

Call me weak,
but deep inside I know Im strong..

Call me fearful,
but I believe that Im brave..

Call me anything you like,
Coz words will still hurt me..

When will people understand that words can cut,
As sharply as any blade,
And those cuts leave scars upon our soul...

To you dear,
"I love you..If that doesnt mean anything to you,
then look into the mirror, and tell me, who's heartless now?
because im slowly breaking apart..
And crying from an aching heart..."

My Mom Is Acting Weirdly

Once she've said
"no boys allowed in ur life"

Now,
"do u want any boyfriend?"

Last time she used to ignore me
I even have to raise my hand to talk to her..
And once she've said
"Can you shut up for awhile?"

Now,
"Why are u not talking? any probs? yuhooo!"

Few years ago,
She had checked whatva thing I had

Now,
Eventhough she find out smtg,
She just acting cool....
WEIRD!!

Since I was small,
She would never care who I appeared to be or what im wearing

Now,
She even buy me make up and lots more
Just to make me girlish...
Too late mom..

Do u believe tht my mom dont even know what's my fav food?
She dont even noe anytg bout me..
She's not the one who took care of me...
Even my bestie no more than her...

Now,
She's trying to get closed to me,
I feel so awkward!!!
She bought me everytg that i want...
She gave me kinda lots of money for my birthday
And tret me so called "well"

Im a problematic child..
I knew that!!
DOnt try to change me mom..
Its too late...
I cant be someone who I dont want to be...
Its like the real me had gone away...

Mom,
I hope u will find out this...

I noe u love abang more than me..
I noe im not supposed to exits in this world..
I noe ur regreting it now..

But,
I dont even bother about that now..
Im used to it..
Yes...its hurt...
But stop doing this...!
Im not desperate for it...
I was...but no more...
I can survive...
With my grandma..

Go ahead..
Carry on loving abang...
Go spend ur time with him..
I just cant appreciate whteva ur doing...
It such a waste of time....

It doesnt mean that I dont love u...
I dont noe whts love is...
I dont get attention from my parents..
Only attention from my bro and grandma...

About what u've said last nite...
"U only smile and acted good to ur friends!!"
Yea...its true...
Coz with them...I feel the love...
We love and we care about each other...
They are my shoulder cry...
They are my moms and dads...
And also my siblings...
They are ready to give whteva tht u cant...

Sorry mom...
Its better for u to hate me...
By doing this,
I can only hurt u i return...
Sorry.....

14 September ( 21.21pm) my world is over

At 6.00pm,

Im supposed to be there,

Celebrating my day with her..

BUt my mom found annick's letter..

And she's mad at me..

She dont let me to go there..

She was asking me craps..

Im so moody and depressed..

I juz leave her hanging..

She called me several times,

I juz couldnt help to answer...

The third called, I answered...

S:"are u coming??"

N:"i...im afraid...i might not going..."

S:"u seriously cant?"

N:"ya...im sorry..so sorry.."

S:"......im here.....with ur presents in of my eyes...."

N:"im sorry..."

S:"that's okay.."

-then she hanged on...-

How I wish I can go...

So I seek for my bro's help..

He called my mom,

At last, she give me permission to go..

It's already 8.15pm

Im so scared she might be gone...

And so I went to the airport...

And then I find for her..it's 9.05pm

The flight had already left..

I took a glance at a restaurant nearby..

I saw a card, a box of cake..

A book, a piece of paper with a pen on it..

I believe they are from her..

I look aside,

And I saw the book again..

I wonder what's in it..

And I open and have a look..

It was a diary...

The first page was the picture of me and my bro..

Written below it, "My Family"

I juz stared at the photo..

Im blank..totally blank...

She really appreciate our relationship...

as family...

Tears when down my face...

Together with the memories...

I saw something beside the book..

In a plastic box...a shirt...a couple shirt...

pink colour t-shirt...

but she didnt take the boy neither the girl's shirt..

both are with me..

I turned around..

My grandma was behind me..

She juz look at me and said,

"call her..."

How am I supposed to call her?

She might be boarding the flight now...!

but I juz follow what she said..

I called her...

It straight away went to voicemail...

Then I was standing infront of the departure enterance...

I called her again...stupid!

Again...to the voicemail...

Thanx to my mom.!!!

F****** Idiot!!!

My grandma came and calm me down..

"Nina...I've felt it too....sabar je..."

Sabar??? Easy to say!!

ITs juz super bloody hard to do!!

And I looked at the watch..

Its 21.21pm

Time that makes my world's over

Time that makes me heartless..

time that change the real me..

time when i was reborn..

Time when the past Amalina was gone...